I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
