This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
