The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
