I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
