genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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