Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
