i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
