dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.