We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex