I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
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I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
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We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?