I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
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