I accidentally had phone sex last night
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree