Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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