i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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