We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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