grandma shit on top of the toilet
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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