at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
