Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
