A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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