I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
