How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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