I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
