you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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