Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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