dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
