shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
