Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My friends, they love my intelligence
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
