I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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