Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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