stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
