If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
