Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
