My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
