I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
