i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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