can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
