..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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