Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
