Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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