I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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