bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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