I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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