Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
