not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
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I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
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Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Oh god it's open bar.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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