you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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