I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
