I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
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surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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