me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Floor bacon is actually really good
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
