maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
