my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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