You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
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At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
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You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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