You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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