I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
