I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i dont even know how to be here
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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