i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
