So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
