8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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