i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Drunk is a universal language darling
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
