I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
