I'm drive I can fine osifer
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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