I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Randomize
