Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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