What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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